I received this today… Love does come in many shapes…

20 August 2009

Dear Samer,

I can see you now about to start writing, so I thought to share with you my thoughts from way up there. I am still trying to make sense of what happened last week, and unfortunately, I am deeply confused. Why did I suddenly start to act aggressive? Why did you sign that paper?

All I remember is that when I opened my eyes on Wednesday morning, I was not hungry, I was not sad, I was not angry, but I was missing like hell the routine we acquired together.

Love and affection!

Love and affection!

How much I enjoyed bothering you every morning so that you can go down to the kitchen and feed me. How much I craved those long nights we cuddled together. Even lately when I no longer wanted to share the bed with you, I would still crave it as you wake in the morning and you came over to my bedroom and start whistling for me and cuddling me.

I miss it all, but when I look at you from here I can see you completely heartbroken and sad. I am sorry. I really am. I did not mean to hurt you. All I have ever done and meant was for you, unconditionally. As I have joined your life a few years ago, I have managed to trigger change in your life; and now that I am gone I am afraid that I changed your soul forever.

Did I just say forever? yes, I did. Do not be too sad Samer as I still exist. I am with you, and I can still help you. Most importantly, I want you to know that I forgive you for you did not know what you were doing. I forgive you for all the love you had given me. I am a cat, and as all cats, I needed my territory, my habits and my stability. You could not guarantee me any of those. After all, you are not a cat person, how could you have known. But you gave me the most beautiful gift of all, and that is love! You turned me into a human, and it hurt to be a human. I suddenly was able to experience feelings of jealousy, anger, depression and envy. To make it worse, I was not understood. I have tried in every way to share my pain towards the end with all of you: By crying, by stopping to play, by retreating and isolating myself, and by showing it in my eyes. How could you all have been so blind?

How could you let daily life take over your loving instincts? How could we allow fear to overpower love?

I was young, I was only 3.5 years old, and I deserved to be in your life for at least another 15 to 16 years. I know with the appropriate amount of love, attention and dedication I would have changed … did I just say changed … well more that I would have rebecome what I always had been … Puma the sweet, affectionate, smart and charming cat. I made a lot of people fall for me, and I can see so many of them mourn me in regret. That makes me feel good, for I feel appreciated; but that also makes me feel sad, for I failed to control my animal instincts.

Cat ambushes dog!

Cat ambushes dog!

And I see Luka all depressed, be careful. Don’t make the same mistakes with her that you made with me. Now she can’t hurt a fly even if she wanted to, which means that it will be impossible for her to get the same injustice I got. Still, there is nothing more painful than to live with sadness and not be able to express it and be understood.

Then I think of all those spiders and flies that I have killed throughout my young life. I know for me it was for play, but maybe I should have known better. I killed them too out of ignorance and inexperience. And now that I am up there, I can promise you one thing, and that is never to kill any living being. We are all loved by someone, and as we die, those we leave behind are torn in pieces forever.

I know what your mind is going through every minute of every day; you probably remember how I would play fetch with you … in the middle of the night when I would walk towards your bed all proud with this ball in my mouth, dropping it at your feet so that you can throw it down the stairs for me. I would bring it up many times until I get bored. Then came this annoying camel you brought me with you from Dubai. I really disliked this camel. All I can remember are the beatings I have given him, and the entertainment he provided me. Of course, I also remember when you used to hum music for me, especially that Silent Night song. I loved it, I would purr constantly without even being touched. Of course, you could have made my experience even better would you have combed me at the same time. After all, you are human, and you find it hard to do two things at once. And how could anyone forget the “Puma, Ou est le mechant””, “Puma, qui va manger?”, “Puma, douche?”, or “Mon bebe soit gentil”, and of course the many variations of my name “poupou, pum, palmitto, mon amour”. I must have been a very special cat.

Then came the food rituals. Will you ever look at chicken hearts the same way? Twice a week I would get this treat. This is one treat that I never got bored of. Thank you so much for caring enough to feed me “non cat food”. And why did you get me so many toys? At least the cats at the SPCA must be enjoying them now. Did you really think I needed them all? I would have given most of these toys away in an instant for five more minutes of loving and cuddling with you.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. You have done your best, and more than anyone could have ever done. You were a cat hater, and you spoiled me. I can only imagine if you were a cat lover. For my good luck, I ended up with you. I learned much about free love from you, and I hope I was able to teach you much about unconditional love.

Move on in your life, spread as much love as you can, and remind everyone in your path that love is stronger than all. Do not let fear, hatred, anger, sadness, or superficiality take over. You have a beautiful soul, and you can make a difference in this world. Yes, you may have made a mistake with me, so please make a wrong right … you can, and I trust that you will.

Much love and regret,